“It’s My Life…It’s Now or Never. I’m Not Going to Live Forever”~Jon Bon Jovi
The Title to this post is Dedicated to my Mom. Before my Dad died he found this song by Jon Bon Jovi and he LOVED it!! He would play it loud and sing it with all the passion he had. Now Mom is playing it and using it as inspiration and it has been a great message for me…Love ya Mom!
One of my favorite quotes (and I have no idea who said it) is this:
“The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.”
Most the time we walk around here on earth with the assumption that we are to follow whatever is in front of us. We are so afraid to get off the path and feel something different, question things, use our own minds to wonder and experience what is new. We can have such cookie cutter mentalities. I saw this saying that said. "PBS mind in an MTV world". And how true that is. Have you ever imagined a different life? A life where you aren’t just treading water? I love that we have choices. We can sink or we can swim. Everyday we ask ourselves deep down inside…what will it be today?? Am I going to work harder on the life that I really imagine?
Only my heart and my mind can acknowledge what is real and what is an illusion. I truly believe that we are here to learn how to see ourselves again the way God saw us in the Garden and we were perfect then and we are perfect now. We have allowed fear to create illusions. I am not saying we should see ourselves as better than others or to put ourselves above anyone, but instead to see ourselves below others. Put others above you and I mean put everyone above you. The ones that you thought were sinful and wicked?…yep, them to!! Change your mind set and look a little deeper. They are more perfect than you and me.
I am married to an incredible man and I have an amazing daughter and what they give me is strength, courage and peace of mind that I am learning by doing some really incredible things in my life. They are proof of that. Am I finished? No, I don’t think I will ever be finished. For the first time in my life I have realized that I have so much more to do…and whatever it is that I decide to do it will be incredible whether it is to struggle or to survive. The rest of the world may see my life differently, but here in the last few months I have realized that it is only my perspective that matters when it comes to my life. People will want to tear it and shred it and manipulate it to be what they want it to be, but this is my life to live. It’s now or never and I’m not going to live forever!!!
LEARN TO LOVE…and LOVE TO LEARN 
For the first time in my life I have realized that I have so much more to do…and whatever it is that I decide to do it will be incredible whether it is to struggle or to survive.
Love this Mindy, thanks!
Cliff Hazelbaker taught me so many things in our 41 years together but the most important thing of all of them, is to listen from within. He helped me to believe in who I really am and for the first time in my journey I like who I have become. I make mistakes the same as always but I know that is how I grow and I know I am good.
I am struggling each and every day of this new journey without my precious Cliff but I am not alone and I have an incredible life! I have an incredible family! I have an incredible belief and love never fails or ends!
I wouldn’t change anything!
The second sentence in that song is - My life is like an open highway, like Franky said I did it my way. I can still hear and see Cliff singing it. It was awesome!
It was also very loud! Ha Ha
I can see him singing it to Mom…and yes he loved it loud and he certainly lived it loud. LOL
Reading this post made me think of the words JC spoke known as the beatitudes, especially this one - ‘blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied’. I sensed a real hunger to live not by what society calls ‘good’, which is an outward show but by a higher authority, which is from our inner source - the nature of our real Father who is spirit. This nature is non-judging and loves unconditionally. We recognize it in others because of the warmth we experience deep within us in that moment of contact, it happens in surprising places with people we did not expect. It’s just a matter of living with our antennae tuned to pick up the spiritual vibrations as they occur, and responding to them. No more working to better ourselves, no more trying hard to overcome our baser thoughts, just pick up those vibes! How good is that!
YES AUDREY! I LOVE your words
“It’s just a matter of living with out antennae tuned to pick up the spiritual vibrations as they occur, and responding to them.”
I sit here tonight wanting to be quiet, wishing only to kiss your lips and silence your confusion. I feel desperate hearts believing they have touched the beauty within, i feel meadow larks freed from the capture of life, only to be imprisoned by there own cage of selfishness.
My arms ache to shake your pure heart into the clarity of the moment you truly feel, the love within you, the love that makes you know how perfect you are, but also makes you know how perfect everyone you touch is.
As my eyes stream with tears, with the wisdom of an old man, i hope that my words reach the heart of a meadowlark.
Words spoken to you with the clarity of the moment, with a love that hopes to whisper the truth in your ear. A truth that will last you a life time, and a truth as an old woman you will whisper to another needing soul.
I’m sharing words with you bg, that if you don’t hear, you will look back with sadness.
love Doug
We all want to feel our self, we want to feel we have a right to our pain. We justify our actions based on the life we have felt. The selfishness of this belief will walk you to the end of your life with an endless hopeless pain.
As you whine and whimper in your own self remorse, as you expect this life to feel your pain, as you justify your actions, and demand it to change it will continue on.
All of the feelings i just spoke of are the feelings of the mind, worthless, and meaningless.
The feelings of a true meadowlark flying free, feels the beauty of the next moment, understands the purpose of life, soring to the limits of there heart is the only place you will find what your looking for.
look within
love always
As you all sit here with your youthful hopes and a confidence of your knowledge of the future I sit here knowing what you cant know. A knowledge that you wont grasp or probably accept… but i will share it anyway.
Most of you believe that the purpose of your life is to love, or be love, or if your lucky to have both. I HAVE HAD BOTH.
At the end of your life no matter how great your love is for someone else, or how great there love is for you, either they will be left alone or you will be.
The truth I’m going to share with you is that i wont be left alone, and i wont leave my love alone, because the beauty of our love is felt in our hearts, not our minds, and held in the hand of God.
love always
I wont linger in this thought much longer, but it is clear to me that we all stand in a beautiful garden surrounded buy glorious flowers. Some times we are aware of its beauty and other times we only see its weeds. Sometimes our focus on the weeds of our garden becomes so overwhelming that we chose to plow our garden under believing that a new and more beautiful garden will grow, but i believe it would be better to nurture the flowers of your garden so that the weeds have nowhere to grow.
love always
My thoughts on this, Doug, are what if the weeds that we have allowed to grow have suffocated us and strangled any desire we have to nurture the good that is still there? Once that desire is gone…..hard to get back.
Sometimes it is just ok to grown a new garden
IT’S YOUR GARDEN!!!!!!!!!
God of love: God of fear: How can both those statements be true, they seem to be so contrasting, but it seem that nearly every other verse in the bible tells you to fear the Lord.
This part of my journey has been spent trying to understand how both of those statements should have meaning to a man that only believes in a God of love.
It seamed to me that the only way it could make any since is if you don’t know the love of God, and trust in the truth of is love then and only then will you fear him.
It reminds me of when I was maybe 8 or 9 and my little fat rolly polly brother cliff was 6 or 7. By the young age of 8 I was already a very skilled tree climber, but Cliff was unable to climb to the first limb of the sycamore in our front yard, then one summer day he made it to that first limb. He skinnyed out on to that limb 3 or 4 feet, but he didn’t realize that sycamores have a slick bark and he began to lose his grip. Slowly he slide to the bottom of his limb arms and legs holding on for dear life belly up to his fear of falling.
He began to cry pleading for me to save him, trusting that his big brother would save him. I remember looking up at him on that limb desperate and overwhelmed in fear, and saying “Cliffy let your feet down and jump you’ll be ok” once he let his feet down he was only like three feet off the ground. As he dropped his feet I saw a big smile on his face as his fear was gone. With out that simple truth of a loving brother and the trust in it to be true I believe Cliffy would have lingered in his fear till he couldn’t hold on any longer.
Trust in a God of love and you to can let your feet down and drop from your limb of fear.
love always
ME
This wont be one of those what did God mean kinda comments , this will be one of those Uncle Doug pinning ur bonny stubborn ass to the ground, holding your shoulders looking into ur eyes and telling you the truth with tears dripping in ur beautiful face.
ITS NEVER OK TO GROW A NEW GARDEN, you were born in a perfect garden your beautiful innocent heart was felt from your first breath, it was touched and nurtured by moms dads sisters uncles and cousins, you are as perfect as the day you were born.
You spoke ME, of the WEEDS WE allowed to grow, there is no WE in your garden, there never was, Mindy is right about that, it is your garden. I CAN ONLY TELL YOU TO NOT START YANKIN WEEDS OUT OF YOUR GARDEN, CAUSE UR GONNA KILL SOME OF THE BEAUTY IN IT.
You talked about weeds that can strangle you till you have no desire to nurture the good that is still there. You know your uncle Doug, and you know i wouldn’t let any weed strangle me, and you also know i wouldn’t want you to either, but those are your weeds, weeds that you allowed to grow, weeds that you nurtured, because your focus was not on the beauty of your perfect garden.
I don’t know what weeds wont survive in your garden, but i know the moment your not focused on the them, the true beauty of the life u want will be clear.
Your mom and dad want to offer you the right words, as dose sister uncles and cousins, but i want you to look within your heart, and ask yourself what words of advice would you offer your baby girl.
THE TRUTH IS IN YOUR HEART, only you know it, but i can tell you that you have a family standing beneath your sycamore limb, always loving you.
Don’t feel any fear baby, its not that far to the ground, and if you look within your heart you’ll fall back to your perfect garden.
LOVE UNCLE DOUG
My last thought tonight will be on how smart do yo need to be to know the love of a Gods of grace.
I’m a good ol boy that never gave much thought to God one way or another. I just kinda figured it would all work out. I don’t know why i never feared God, but i didn’t.
Since I’ve started this journey to know what my bro knew I’ve been on many sites that proclaim progressive religion, new age love of God, whatever that means, but what i have found over and over is that there are very few good ole boys, almost without exception the people on these sites are very intelligent. ITS LIKE only the extremely smart have survived the indoctrination of evangelised confusion.
Not sure what I’m trying to say here, but i think what I’m trying to say is that only the brave can feel Gods love, or the dumb asses that that never had a reason to believe they should fear him.
If i would have been part of the organized religion control I’m pretty sure i would been sucked into the muck deeper than anyone at this site, but what i have witnessed, over and over and over , is beautiful people, with pure hearts just wanting to feel the peace of a God of love.
To me that’s like, DAMM, what the fuck you think he did all this for. To send your bony ass to HELL?
LOVE ALWAYS
MC WANTS T SAY… trust the courage between your claws, feel the love in your purrr, accept the truth of that knowledge…
stupid ass dam cat
I hate cats…
The scares of you scratches, the pain of the claws, will be lost in tomorrows dreams…
goodnight , love always
Part of my responsibilities these days require that i visit a nursing home that my mother-in-law resides in. Its not an easy task there many aspects of those visits that can leave you feeling sad, but it has offered me an insight into the final chapter of life that I couldn’t have gotten without the experience.
It has made me realize that people end there life much the way they’ve chosen to live the rest of it. With the exception of those that no longer have a mind capable of distinguishing there emotions, the rest seem to fall into two categories.
The first category are those that accept there environment, recognizing it for what it is, and still live there life looking for the beauty in it unwilling to live a life of anger regardless of the conditions of there life.
The second category also accept there environment, and recognizes it for what it is, but chose to live a life of anger. This group wield a two edge sword. A sword that they will use to cut not just the factors that made them angey but also the ones that are trying to help them.
It seems to me that whether it be physical or psychological pain that no matter what age you are there seems to be one initial reaction to it and that is anger. ANGER is an emotion that can protect the victom. It is that double edge sword that will protect you from those that have made you have the feelings of guilt, of feeling devalued, of feeling powerless, of feeling unloved, or of feeling worthless.
I believe anger is such a powerful protection that it can become a way of living to those that have felt victimized by there life. It can become a soothing mechanism to validate ones life, and can take you to the end of it.
There is no doubt in my mind that the first category of people i spoke of have felt Anger in there lifetime also, as i said i think almost without exception those that have been physically or physiologically hurt will eventually fight with the protective emotion of anger, but i also believe that the first category of people chose to validate there true worth by looking with in themselves. They chose to replace there sword of anger with the shield of beauty an invincible armor personal power, a strength more powerful then any sword.
They chose to trust the truth of the love in there heart.
DONT CARRY YOUR SWORD TO THE END OF YOUR LIFE IT WILL GET HEAVY
Love always
“Dance Me To The End Of Love”
Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic ’til I’m gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We’re both of us beneath our love, we’re both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I’m gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Lenard Cohen… I LOVE HIM
LOVE ALWAYS
When my wife and i were very young, before we had our own children we were in love with the children of my brothers and there wives. We doted on them, we knew it was the beauty of life that we want to feel.
As an unfathered UNCLE at that time i remember wanting to leave a message in there mind.
Each year i would gather them and tell them to whisper cause we were going to speak of a secret day, we would lay on our belly’s in a circle and talk quietly of the adventure we would have. With crayons and a seriousness of the beauty of that moment of freedom, we would plan that perfect day. With smirks and innocent smiles they would hide there secret of there day to come.
They had adventures that I saw sparkle in there minds, memories that will last a lifetime.
I believe the message of secret day, the message i wanted to leave in there innocent minds is there to be felt by there perfect hearts.
IF YOU NO LONGER NO THAT MOMENT OF FREEDOM, THEN UNCLE Doug will have a secret day just for you.
Love the secret day
My last thought tonight will be of what message i want to leave in your mind.
I know Ive left my circle of angels a message in there hearts that will go beyond my last breath, a message that they will carry to my perfect star, but the rest of you need to feel the beauty of secret day. You need to know that the freedom, the adventure, the peace, the beauty, and the love, you wish to find, is in the truth of your heart.
Ya see…. i never touched my circle of angels minds… only there hearts.
love the truth……love you Andy…papaw
MC, wants to say:
IF THE BEAUTY OF A BROTHERS HEART CAN CAUSE A UNIVERSE TO EXPLODE, then maybe the heartbeat of all GODS creation can be felt.
Dam cat
No more chickens, but im buyin a goat tomorrow.
As you dance between today and tomorrow trust you feet to circle in a perfect rhythm of your heartbeat of love.
love always
AM I THE ONLY FUCKIN ONE LEFT HERE?
My last thought will be on the purpose of life.
I really have had a good life. I have really been touched by the memories of mothers fathers brothers aunts uncles cousins nieces nephews grampas and grammas.
I still smile with the memories of chasing my beautiful aunt Judy around the house with a snake in my hand, I still see the sweet brown eyes of my cousin Amy, feel the words of my grampa’s poems, and can smell the cookies of my grandma Mabel, and feel her kiss on my cheek.
I can feel the heartbeat of my brothers and the trusting words of my father. I CAN FEEL BEAUTY OF A MOTHERS LOVE, and the truth of knowing the wisdom of true love.
I have felt the love of a woman, a woman that took me to the edge of heaven. I have held her babies in my hand and molded them with the love of my heart, and i have touched my perfect star.
With all that beauty what more could you want…need … desire.. expect,WELL I think the purpose of life is to know a love, a beauty, that might make all of that i spoke of sound like a very small glimpse of what you can expect.
love Doug
I REALLY NEED TO GO, cause i have a hard ass boss, and its late, but the long version of Indgoda de veta is playing so ill leave you with a few more words of worthless advise, or maybe the pure truth of a lifetime, who knows.
As you dance to the drummer of your life, as you feel the rhythm of your beauty, as you twirl in your ur circle between the beat of your moments, feel the heartbeat of love.
love the beat always
Love never leaves!
No it doesn’t Sis, that’s for sure!
Love never fails
Doug, you can’t begin to imagine what Secret Day left in my mind and they were some of the most special events of my life. Uncle Doug and Aunt Cindy’s secret day, what memories and love! I don’t want to ever loose secret day,even as adults! You are so special to me Uncle Doug and now that Dad is gone, I feel the need to keep you even closer in my heart! Dad loved you guys so much and I know that feeling, i have it for my brother and sisters and Iam hoping that through his kids you and Uncle Andy can still feel his love of you both, through us!
We do Tammy, more then you can possibly imagine.
love always