BoldGrace

Progression: the act of progressing; forward or onward movement. 2. a passing successively from one member of a series to the next; succession; sequence.

Yesterday we all woke to some dramatic changes. Dad is very confused. It is very difficult for him to speak and his little legs just shake when he tries to walk so we have graduated on from the walker to the wheelchair. Let it be known that when he does have clarity he speaks to us in the same confident manner in which he has always done. He is amazing. We do not feel as if he is any pain. He seems to sleep a great deal and seems very peaceful. Even through his progression he is still very selfless. He is still showing us how to love others unconditionally.

I was reading one of his books that has all of his notes written in red. He had underlined the following parts:

"Knowing is loving." If God truly knows me, God actually loves me. The old Testament is clear that truly to "know" somebody is to love her or him, For God, knowing is the language of intimacy rather than intimidation. God is love because God knows us. This divine knowing is the eternal antidote for depression and melancholy. We are known and loved. We are not alone-hence, we need not be lonely.

My Father has and never will be alone. God knows him well. This is what helps all of us get through this progression.

My best friend Heather sent me this wonderful poem today and I have to share it with all of you.

Today I smiled, and all at once things didn’t look so bad. Today I shared with someone else, A little bit of hope I had. Today I sang a little song, And felt my heart grow light. I walked a happy little mile, With not a cloud in sight. Today I worked with what I had, And longed for nothing more, And what had seemed like only weeds, Were flowers at my door. Today I loved a little more, And complained a little less. And in the giving of myself, I forgot my weariness.

Author Unknown

Last night on my way home I cried… the entire way… and on into my bed as I layed down to sleep…I cried like a new born needing her parent to sooth her needs. I just hadn’t felt the need to cry like that yet. I have been so focused on making sure that the only thing my Father sees before he dies is my smiling face. I selfishly cried into the night for the hope that this was all a dream, but I woke up this morning and got to hear my Father’s voice over the phone and Today I smiled.

People come over everyday all throughout the day. I am blown away at how many people have been touched by my Father. Each person sits down with tears in their eyes and then Dad gently grabs their hands and shares his faith with them. The peace that he has is soul soothing. He tells them with such consistant confidence that he is not afraid. I truly believe that he isn’t. He tells them that this is the process God has planned for him. The thought that My Dad will go on without us can be such a contradiction for right now, but the love that he has shared with everyone is such a gift that obviously keeps on giving.

Thank you to everyone for their love and kindness. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Bold Grace will always be an extension of my Father. This is a wonderful outlet for people to be true to who they are. No Judgements here…Just a perfect process.

Love you all!!!! 

Tonight, me and my family had a moment. We shared laughter, we shed tears, we shared stories and we shed some of our pain. It was such a good day. Dad was up for most of the day. No, he may not express out loud as much what is going on in his head, but we know what he is thinking and feeling and when he can he speaks to us in a really weak voice, but talks to us with such strength and courage. It is amazing to witness. When the end of the night was closing and he was ready for his bed he said that he wanted to go to bed with Mom. I got to see these two people who have found perfection in each other just snuggle into each others arms and then he says to us before we leave them for the night that he loves his children and we are angels.

I know this is a perfect process and I know because my Dad has been teaching this to me all my life even before he knew it himself and I can feel it in my soul. I am not sure if this all makes sense, but tonight my oldest sister Tammy made perfect sense to me. She said that we go through each life learning something new. It is like a puzzle and with each life we are given pieces of our puzzles until we get all of them and then our puzzle is completed. My Dad has been given pieces of his puzzle and through his lives he has given pieces to others because we are all connected. What my Father is experiencing is a perfect process. It may take a while for others to get a piece and for some of us like my Dad it doesn’t take long at all, but when you get it hold on tight. Don’t be afraid. It will get hard and you may want to give up, but have faith in yourself and have faith that this is a perfect process towards something that will be even greater. God is loving each one of us perfectly and sees us just the way he made us…perfect, SO, until we recognize what God sees we will fear and we will fall. My Father has no fear.

If my little girl asks me when I am coming home or when I am finished I will tell her that it will only be a few months and to be patient, but to understand that this will be a lifetime for me.

I never thought as a child that anything bad could happen to my Dad. As a child I thought my hero would live forever. As a child you know you are safe while being held in your Daddy’s arms. Is it selfish to think that way? Some children in this world never know what it is like to even have a Father. Some children lose their parents at a young age and can understand the pain early on, but today for me I am 33 and I am waiting to find out if my best friend, my hero, my Father is going to die of cancer and my heart is aching in a way that I have never felt before.

My Dad is famous for always quoting the following:

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

My Fathers love for life will never fail. It will never end. Whatever the outcome of all this is I know one thing for certain at this very moment… He has already found his peace. He has always known all of the things God meant for him to understand about his life and he will be OK no matter where this road leads him. My Father knows that God is with him and has always been with him. My Father is perfect in my eyes and has always been perfection in Gods. God made him exactly the way he wanted him. My Father is a man of love. His light shines so bright. His energy is so strong that I can feel him from miles and miles away. He is my Angel. He is my hero and he is the most amazing man I have ever known.

On June 15, 2004 I wrote him a letter for Fathers Day. I found it a couple of weeks ago going through some of Mom and Dads old pictures. This is what I wrote to him:

Fathers day is a day when I get to tell you how important you are, but I think you already know how important you are to all of us. Every morning I wake up and think of you. I tell God every morning that he blessed me with an angel. You are so special. You always have the right things to say, you always know how to keep the peace, you know how to teach us all to have peace and I am so proud to have you as my Daddy.

Now that I have a little girl of my own I know how hard it is to be a parent. It is the toughest job I have ever had. It is an important job. I have to be responsible for her life. I have to teach her to be a good person. I have to teach her to love herself no matter what the world may do to her. I am so fortunate that I can pass along the skills to live life the way God wants us to and I have you to thank for that. You gave me a freedom to think for myself. You taught me to always be proud of who I am and to believe in the choices I make for myself. You gave me such wonderful gifts. You gave me Dink and you know why you gave me Dink? I watch you love my mother unconditionally. When it was time to choose someone for myself I found someone who loves me the way you love my mother. This journey hasn’t been easy and I have made mistakes, but when I reached into my soul for what I knew was right I finally looked to your guidance and found the one person I feel I will grow old with. Thanks Daddy.

You may not believe that you are a real Angel and I am not sure why you wouldn’t believe it yourself. Maybe you don’t want to seem self absorbed, but Dad…you and I both know you are an Angel. How many people in this world can be so close to perfection? How many of us can stand true to our faiths? How many of us can be so kind as often as you are? Angels are real. You have been brought to this world so many times that you have finally got it right on this trip. To me you have been an Indian, a brown man, a Jew, a woman, you have been so many things that you finally understand what our point on this earth is.

I just want to end this with something you once sent me not long ago. "remember, you are being moved through the journey of life by a power you can not see. Your destination is greatness beyond your comprehension. Your purpose must be your passion for life. And peace is your resting place at the end of the day".

I love you Dad.

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My daughter Mindy shared the following Music video with me on my birthday and I just thought the whole time as I listened to it that this is how God feels about all of us.  It’s called "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon

Thanks Mindy.

Being a Mother, a Wife, a Sister, a Daughter, a Friend, a Cousin, a Niece, a Granddaughter, and a Sister-n-law is…well, lets just say it gets interesting. I am finding that it is hard to be all of these things and yet stay true to myself and it seems as if my list of who I am suppose to be just keeps growing. BUT, finding Grace has been the one thing that has set me free from the fear of these roles that the world expects for me to play.

Grace has been teaching me to be patient, more kind and not as quick to judge me or anyone else. It is so easy to get caught up in what this world expects. It is easy to forget what makes me ME and it is easy to give up and just be like everyone else, but knowing that I am perfect in the eyes of God has created this peace and this confidence that I don’t think I could ever lose. Those moments, you know…the kind where you wish you would have said or done what you really wanted to say and do?…well, I try harder then ever to never let those moments go by. Those are the moments that help me define who I am.

I will always let the rain run down my face and I will always let the sun shine on my face. I will always take to each day and allow myself the freedom to be what I want to be and simply make it through each moment the best way I can.

I hope for all of you out there stuck in this mind set that you are a sinner that you may some day realize your perfection and see the beauty that God sees. God expects nothing from you.

Love much…Mindy

It use to be really hard searching for myself and then accepting myself. Actually, it had been exhausting. I felt like I was constantly peeling away layers of myself only to find that there was another layer to work through.

You see, I was raised in religion. I was taught by a few different organized religions to ask for forgiveness and that in order to be accepted by Jesus I had to accept him by getting baptized or get saved. I was taught to accept the people in Church and be fearful of everyone else. I was taught that it was inappropriate to dance in Church. I was taught to only sing accapella. I was taught that it was wrong to get up and sing accapella with my sisters in front of the congregation. I was taught that as a woman I had no voice amongst men. I was taught that God is good, but that I was just a sinner and didn’t deserve God’s unconditional love. I was taught fear and as a child these teachings are and were very devastating.

So, like many of you I have to peel away layer after layer in order to find the person that God meant for me to be. I am still peeling away layers, BUT NOW instead of feeling guilty and exhausted over peeling away layers or searching for myself and my truths I am flying. I am soaring high. I am stronger. Now each time I peel away a layer I realize that I have the tools. I have what it takes to understand each layer. No one else has to understand them.

I don’t get so panicked about my experiences or what and who I might find along my journey. I am not concerned as much about this world or my life. My earthly burdens are just that…earthly, but they are mine. I will have tribulations and joy but those tribulations and joys are just more opportunities for me to fly. I don’t have to even talk to God to be close to him. He is in me. I hear him when my daughter laughs. I hear him when I kiss my husband.

Now, I praise and worship the sun without fear of persecution. I praise the blue skies. I praise the wind and the rain. My eyes are more open then they have ever been and my mind isn’t closed anymore. I see the real illusions now. I see people who are clueless to the beauty and perfection behind “mistakes” or “sins”. I see opportunity for growth in what others considered mistakes. I see ME! I see a 33 year old “little girl” dancing under a disco ball. Her hands are up high and she is swaying back and forth looking up at the beautiful colors then gently closing her eyes so that she can absorb all of the wonderful feelings and then she sings with the band like there is no tomorrow.

I can’t wait to peel away another layer.