BoldGrace

This past year I had the privelage of meeting and gaining a very special friend named Cliff. He worked in the same department as me and no matter how hectic our days got, he ALWAYS had a smile on his face and a kind word to offer. He was always the person to encourage us at the beginnig of our shift to make the best out of the day (when most of us just wanted to go home and crawl back in bed), and he always was waiting for us at the time clock at the end of the day…giving us high-fives and letting us know how hard we worked and what a good job we all did!!! In my eyes, he was a father figure that I never had.

Just when my moods seemed heavy and an attitude would begin to set in….here came Cliff jumping from around a corner (literally!!) with a big smile on his face singing, "We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!" As most of you know, Im pretty short , and this was his way of reminding me of that fact and making me laugh…..resulting in an instant uplift in my spirit!! I was his favorite "munchkin" at work and he always made me feel loved and appreciated.

A couple of months ago, I received word from a co-worker that Cliff was ill. At first I didnt think much about it. I knew that he had been having some pretty bad heachaches, but I just figured that the job was wearing him down. He worked VERY hard, and I often seen him running through the building not only trying to get his work done, but helping all of us ladies out on his way. But, a week later I was informed that he had been admitted into the hospital and they had diagnosed him with brain cancer.

Even the news of this didnt make me think much about it because you see, Cliff was a determined man. This was NOT going to beat him. He was a fighter and although rarely, I KNEW that some people recovered from this sort of thing, and he would be one of those very rare numbers. Last Monday, I was on my floor working when my Vocera (communication device that I have to wear at work…) went off and on the other end whos voice do I hear but Cliff Hazelbakers!! His words were, "Your man’s in the house…just wanted to tell everyone hello and that I love and miss you guys!!"

He was at the hospital with his son and was picking up some meds, so my supervisor allowed us all to come down and see him. When I got to where he was, he was sitting in a wheel chair. I froze, I could not believe how much toll this illness had already taken on him, and reality quickly set in…….But ohhh were his spirits still so strong. He must have been able to tell that my heart was breaking because he looked right at me and said, "come here." I walked over to him and he pulled me towards him and gave me a hug, kissed my cheek, and whispered in my ear, "Dont be sad for me you hear me…..I have accepted this and I am ready! I am not afraid and I dont hurt." I just hugged him back and didnt want to ever let go.

That very moment taught me the truest way possible of being thankful for the breath that I was taking, my heart that I had beating, and the many blessings that God has placed into my life. This man was dying. His time was very limited and at any given moment, he would not be here. Hours were not guaranteed to this man…let alone a tomarrow. The illness was winning, and pretty soon I knew that I would not get the privelage of seeing this man in front of me. It hurt, and I was angry.

I remember asking God, "if you were going to let this man come into my life, and for me to get so attached….why are you taking him away so soon?" God answered that through Cliff eyes because when I looked into them, I heard God speak to me saying, " what has this man taught you?" The answer to that is this: Life is not always perfect, it rarely is. There are going to be times to laugh and celebrate, but there are also going to be times when the best thing to do is drop to your knees and cry. But as my VERY very dear friend Cliff asked me one day, when I was discussing some struggles I was having, he said, "Well muchkin, when you get the chance to sit it out or dance…..are you going to sit it out or dance?"

Thursday, April 16th 2009 at approximately 9:00 a.m. I received word that my dear friend had passed early that morning. My heart literally ripped in two. I was so hurt and felt so much guilt. I hadnt even went to see him at home and there was so much that I wanted him to know!!! I wanted to tell him how so very thankful I was that I had met him and how joyful he had made me. I wanted to tell him that I had made up my mind about that question that he asked me, when life was getting rough….instead of sitting it out….I was going to dance!! He would have been so proud to hear that. But no, I never took the chance to go and tell him, and now he is gone.

I will never ever get to sit in front of him and see the look on his face when I walk into a room….I’ll never get to hear his voice as he belts out our favorite song….from the Wizard of Oz. I was SO VERY ANGRY that I almost couldnt handle that anger. I went back to work after hearing the news and found it very hard to concentrate on my responsibilties. A guilty mood set over me and weighed me down very heavily that day.

At the end of the day, when it was time to clock out, I looked at the line of people from department, and was once again reminded that Cliff wasn’t here. I wouldnt be seeing him in this line, getting any of his high-fives, or listening to him joke around with all of us. But, when the day was done, and when I got to the door that would take me out of the building, the sun hit my face and I could hear Cliff saying, "this day is BEAUTIFUL…..go dance Munchkin!!!" …and I knew that he was home. I will forever love and miss you Cliff Hazelbaker!!!

We will be having a celebration of Life ceremony Saturday, April 25th, 2009 (4:00p.m.-??) It will be held at the American Legion located at 109 North 6th Street, Richmond, Indiana 47374. We will laugh, sing, cry and tell amazing stories about Cliff! We will have pictures and videos so we can share some of his incredible moments with all of you.

Clifford L. Hazelbaker II, 57, of Richmond was born January 13, 1952 and was reborn on April 16, 2009. Cliff was the son of Clifford and Barbara (Goodwin) Hazelbaker. Cliff graduated from Centerville High School in 1970. He was married to Nancy McBride Hazelbaker on March 6, 1970. They recently celebrated their 39th Wedding Anniversary. Cliff enjoyed spending time with his incredible family. Their family motto is “Love Never Fails!” He also enjoyed sharing his love of God on www.boldgrace.com. Here is an excerpt from that site… “Clouds don’t seem to care where they’re going. They are content to follow the directions of the spirit of the air, enjoying the journey as they make their way to their purpose. Though they are unaware of their designation or their purpose as they travel along, they find themselves eventually called upon to join forces and deliver liquid life to the earth. Often exhausted, they whither and die, having given all of themselves in doing their work. But, as those clouds die, others are reborn from their seed to carry on the purpose.” Cliff is survived by his wife Nancy ; Mother, Barbara; Children: Tammy (Bob) Thompson of Centerville, Clifford (Bridget) Hazelbaker III of Richmond, Mindy (Charlie) Hill of New Carlisle, Ohio, Amy (Todd) Witter of Bath, Indiana; He is also survived by 9 grandchildren: Josh, Jacob, Paige, Samantha, Clifford IV, Abby, Emma, Lilly and Phoebe. Brothers: Andy (Teresa) and Doug (Cindy) Hazelbaker.

Dad was reborn at 6:40 this morning with all of his family around him singing you raise me up. It was the most beautiful thing we have all ever witnessed. We will see you again Daddy.

Progression: the act of progressing; forward or onward movement. 2. a passing successively from one member of a series to the next; succession; sequence.

Yesterday we all woke to some dramatic changes. Dad is very confused. It is very difficult for him to speak and his little legs just shake when he tries to walk so we have graduated on from the walker to the wheelchair. Let it be known that when he does have clarity he speaks to us in the same confident manner in which he has always done. He is amazing. We do not feel as if he is any pain. He seems to sleep a great deal and seems very peaceful. Even through his progression he is still very selfless. He is still showing us how to love others unconditionally.

I was reading one of his books that has all of his notes written in red. He had underlined the following parts:

"Knowing is loving." If God truly knows me, God actually loves me. The old Testament is clear that truly to "know" somebody is to love her or him, For God, knowing is the language of intimacy rather than intimidation. God is love because God knows us. This divine knowing is the eternal antidote for depression and melancholy. We are known and loved. We are not alone-hence, we need not be lonely.

My Father has and never will be alone. God knows him well. This is what helps all of us get through this progression.

My beautiful and sweet loving niece has written a post.

I was standing in our creek yesterday, the water rushed over my shoes and down past me-out of sight. I thought about the path that each one of us has in our life here. Like a river or creek being pulled toward the ocean by a force much greater that it is. We are drawn down our path in life yet some try to break this beautiful process by clinging to the banks-it makes the process harder when it could be so smooth. I think about my Uncle Cliff and I know that right now he is not clinging to the banks along the river-he is floating down smoothly. I believe that Cliff said to Mindy "remember, you are being moved through the journey of life by a power you cannot see. Your destination is greatness beyond your comprehension. Your purpose must be your passion for life. And peace is your resting place at the end of the day." Cliff, I believe that we are given glimpses of that power each day. -a bright, warm sun, the infinite sky filled with stars and galaxies far beyond anything we can imagine, even the perfect process we witness as the Earth grows, becomes green, blossoms and then returns as the snow falls and the sky becomes gray. We are that power, we are the rays of the sun, we are universal, we are the Earth’s flower that blooms and then returns home- its spirit freed to find another journey. Although this form returns to the Earth, the energy inside escapes and glows. We will look for you-glowing in the pink sky at the end of our day.

Tonight, me and my family had a moment. We shared laughter, we shed tears, we shared stories and we shed some of our pain. It was such a good day. Dad was up for most of the day. No, he may not express out loud as much what is going on in his head, but we know what he is thinking and feeling and when he can he speaks to us in a really weak voice, but talks to us with such strength and courage. It is amazing to witness. When the end of the night was closing and he was ready for his bed he said that he wanted to go to bed with Mom. I got to see these two people who have found perfection in each other just snuggle into each others arms and then he says to us before we leave them for the night that he loves his children and we are angels.

I know this is a perfect process and I know because my Dad has been teaching this to me all my life even before he knew it himself and I can feel it in my soul. I am not sure if this all makes sense, but tonight my oldest sister Tammy made perfect sense to me. She said that we go through each life learning something new. It is like a puzzle and with each life we are given pieces of our puzzles until we get all of them and then our puzzle is completed. My Dad has been given pieces of his puzzle and through his lives he has given pieces to others because we are all connected. What my Father is experiencing is a perfect process. It may take a while for others to get a piece and for some of us like my Dad it doesn’t take long at all, but when you get it hold on tight. Don’t be afraid. It will get hard and you may want to give up, but have faith in yourself and have faith that this is a perfect process towards something that will be even greater. God is loving each one of us perfectly and sees us just the way he made us…perfect, SO, until we recognize what God sees we will fear and we will fall. My Father has no fear.

If my little girl asks me when I am coming home or when I am finished I will tell her that it will only be a few months and to be patient, but to understand that this will be a lifetime for me.

After days of traveling the dark valley, I once again see the light of life. These lights make up my children, my family, my friends, my doctor and all the medical professionals willing to help me.  I have hospice which takes away a lot of fear.  They are here to meet all my needs. I’m grateful to all those out there meeting my needs and my spiritual needs.  I really enjoyed seeing Bruce. The doctor ensured me again that I have about 6 months and it should come easy. I don’t consider this a death experience, I can consider this a birth experience. In every labor there is pain and in every labor there is time to let go of the placenta of life and reach on to the power and energy of what is the new life and I look forward to that. If it’s possible I hope one of those great energies is the ability to see my Dad. My faith has not change and I believe in a perfect God who has a perfect process for each of us. That’s why we have nothing to fear because every piece of the puzzle is perfect. There is absolutely no fear in where I am at. I feel surrounded by angels of peace.  Keep watching because I am not done yet!

I never thought as a child that anything bad could happen to my Dad. As a child I thought my hero would live forever. As a child you know you are safe while being held in your Daddy’s arms. Is it selfish to think that way? Some children in this world never know what it is like to even have a Father. Some children lose their parents at a young age and can understand the pain early on, but today for me I am 33 and I am waiting to find out if my best friend, my hero, my Father is going to die of cancer and my heart is aching in a way that I have never felt before.

My Dad is famous for always quoting the following:

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

My Fathers love for life will never fail. It will never end. Whatever the outcome of all this is I know one thing for certain at this very moment… He has already found his peace. He has always known all of the things God meant for him to understand about his life and he will be OK no matter where this road leads him. My Father knows that God is with him and has always been with him. My Father is perfect in my eyes and has always been perfection in Gods. God made him exactly the way he wanted him. My Father is a man of love. His light shines so bright. His energy is so strong that I can feel him from miles and miles away. He is my Angel. He is my hero and he is the most amazing man I have ever known.

On June 15, 2004 I wrote him a letter for Fathers Day. I found it a couple of weeks ago going through some of Mom and Dads old pictures. This is what I wrote to him:

Fathers day is a day when I get to tell you how important you are, but I think you already know how important you are to all of us. Every morning I wake up and think of you. I tell God every morning that he blessed me with an angel. You are so special. You always have the right things to say, you always know how to keep the peace, you know how to teach us all to have peace and I am so proud to have you as my Daddy.

Now that I have a little girl of my own I know how hard it is to be a parent. It is the toughest job I have ever had. It is an important job. I have to be responsible for her life. I have to teach her to be a good person. I have to teach her to love herself no matter what the world may do to her. I am so fortunate that I can pass along the skills to live life the way God wants us to and I have you to thank for that. You gave me a freedom to think for myself. You taught me to always be proud of who I am and to believe in the choices I make for myself. You gave me such wonderful gifts. You gave me Dink and you know why you gave me Dink? I watch you love my mother unconditionally. When it was time to choose someone for myself I found someone who loves me the way you love my mother. This journey hasn’t been easy and I have made mistakes, but when I reached into my soul for what I knew was right I finally looked to your guidance and found the one person I feel I will grow old with. Thanks Daddy.

You may not believe that you are a real Angel and I am not sure why you wouldn’t believe it yourself. Maybe you don’t want to seem self absorbed, but Dad…you and I both know you are an Angel. How many people in this world can be so close to perfection? How many of us can stand true to our faiths? How many of us can be so kind as often as you are? Angels are real. You have been brought to this world so many times that you have finally got it right on this trip. To me you have been an Indian, a brown man, a Jew, a woman, you have been so many things that you finally understand what our point on this earth is.

I just want to end this with something you once sent me not long ago. "remember, you are being moved through the journey of life by a power you can not see. Your destination is greatness beyond your comprehension. Your purpose must be your passion for life. And peace is your resting place at the end of the day".

I love you Dad.

"Behavior scientist have known for decades that the most effective way to alter the behavior of any living creature is through positive reinforcement."

Those words come from a booklet I recently purchased, "The Whole Dog Journal". It is a publication that offers guidelines for raising happy well adjusted dogs.

Do you suppose that what was written here also applies to the creature of man?

What if we affected the behavior of other people through offering them nothing but positive reinforcement? What if we only stressed that God loves them unconditionally…..always. What if we told them only "good-news" and never tried to change them through threats of negative punishment from an angry God?

The Whole Dog Journal also states that "these techniques work – and better yet they work without ever making the animal afraid or defensive".

Hmmm. Who are the most well adjusted people.  Those who know they are loved and accepted or those who are afraid and defensive?

I have always believed that God meant for us to change the world.